A Definitive Ranking of the Sims 4 Expansion Packs I Am Currently Using to Tune Out the World
Join me, patriots!
Hello, readers, and welcome to 2021. So far, the 2020 sequel sucks about as much as the original, which is one thing it has in common with Grown Ups 2. (It has nothing else in common with Grown Ups 2.)
I took a few weeks off around the holidays to have my first paid vacation in years (I intended to do a newsletter last week, but then there was a, uh, coup — more on that in a bit). I planned to use the free time to work on some of my own writing. Instead, I watched all of Dawson’s Creek, and played approximately 110 hours of The Sims 4. That number is not an exaggeration.
For the uninitiated, The Sims is a series of life-simulation computer games, in which you can create Sims characters, build homes for them, choose their careers and make them families, and essentially play God by controlling their lives and actions. It turns out it’s the perfect game for quarantine, a time in which the human you can’t go on trips or hug your parents or Woohoo in the nightclub shower with a ghost you just met, but your Sims sure can! The game plays out full days and eats up all your time, and it takes up your whole laptop screen, so you can’t even check Twitter to see if there’s a civil war or new president or something.
The standard version of The Sims 4 grants you a few nice neighborhoods for your Sims families, a handful of museums, bars, and parks they can visit, and a list of careers they can bounce around in for a bit as they until they ultimately die. Unfortunately, after about 10 hours of playing the regular Sims, I got bored. My Sims would follow the same trajectory: as young adults, they’d fall in love and get married, then have a few children and instantly become miserable. The horrible children would then grow up, and the cycle would continue. Sure, I got my isolation jollies out by making all my Sims cheat on their spouses, but I wanted more from virtual life. So, I bought five expansion packs (THERE WAS A SALE OK), the heavens opened, and I spent full days avoiding New York Times news alerts.
Here is a definitive ranking of the expansion packs I own:
(5) City Living
This is probably a controversial least-favorite. City Living — which grants your Sims access to the city of San Myusho — comes with a pretty extensive world filled with karaoke bars, street festivals, and exciting haircuts. And as a dedicated lifelong city-dweller, one would think I’d appreciate giving my Sims the opportunity to lord over the suburban homeowners just as I do. But I’ve been trapped in my own apartment for the last ten months, and I don’t want to experience loud neighbors, overpriced rent, and general claustrophobia virtually if I have to do it IRL every day. More importantly, San Myusho has no public transit system, and that’s some bullshit.
(4) Discover University
Nothing has made me miss college less than subjecting my Sims youths to disgusting dorm living. But Discover University — which comes with a college town world stocked with two different universities your Sims can fail out of — has two important features that bump it up to fourth place: 1) Sims can Woohoo, i.e. bone, in the shower, and 2) They have bikes. When I can’t sleep because the world is falling apart, I like to watch my little Sims bike around to the point of exhaustion.
(3) Seasons
Everyone loves Seasons, which literally grants your Sims with changing seasons. It comes with a calendar, you get lots of good outfits, your Sims can play in the snow, and there’s a holiday where gnomes attack. Personally, though, I prefer The Sims’s meaningless, calendar-less ticking of days, in an effort to immerse myself in The Sims and wake up in six months. I’m here to waste time, not track it, dammit!
(2) Cats & Dogs
I have one single lady Sim with eight cats. She is my favorite. I hope the cats eat her when she dies.
(1) Island Living
On the Sim island of Sulani, there is no insurrectionist mob or deadly pandemic or pending eviction crisis. I am not isolated in my cold New York apartment but on a beach, with my Sim friends, listening to the sound of the waves. The real world is on fire, but in the Sims world, we’re just chilling. The Sims can also Woohoo in waterfalls. Island Living is a delight.
So, there you have it. Download The Sims 4 and varying expansion packs, and you too can memory-hole the last ten months and the future 1-to-75 billion. #Blessed
Catching up on the news
You already know what the news is.
…but I do want to plug a new study by my pal Dr. Christina Padilla, which looked into COVID health & economic hardships burdening Latino and Black children. NBC News wrote it up—give a read!
Here are some good blogs & features I am reading
“The System Will Not Save Us” — Discourse Blog
“After the Sacred Landslide” — Defector
‘‘They Got a Officer!’: How a Mob Dragged and Beat Police at the Capitol” — New York Times
“The Dream Job That Wasn’t” — The New Republic
And a great interview my friend Marie Solis gave to Journalism & Liberty about layoffs in a moment that demands more journalism.
And now for some good tweets (rare!!!!)
And as much as in pains me to do this:
See you next week, if we make it!
Amazzzing, this is what I need. Please review the Paranormal Sims 4 expansion when it comes out!